Ah, love. That four-letter word that makes poets weep, therapists rich, and your ex’s Instagram stories unbearable. Enter: Love Profiles—the pseudo-scientific, pseudo-spiritual personality tests that promise to decode why you can’t get Chad to text you back or why your girlfriend keeps sighing every time you load the dishwasher.
Spoiler: some of these profiles help. Most of them hurt. And all of them are great for justifying your bad behavior. Let’s dive in.
The “Love Language” Cult
You know this one: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, physical touch. Sounds wholesome until you realize it’s just a fancier way of saying “I want what I want, when I want it.”
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Helpful: It gives couples a framework to say, “I don’t actually want jewelry, I just want you to vacuum once.”
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Hurtful: It also gives lazy partners a license to never improve. “Sorry babe, I don’t do physical touch. My profile says I’m an acts-of-service guy, so here’s a sandwich.”
The Myers-Briggs Dating Circus
Are you an INTJ? ENFP? OMGWTF? This corporate HR test somehow bled into romance like glitter in a kindergarten art project.
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Helpful: It might highlight why your introverted hermit self hates double-date karaoke nights.
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Hurtful: It lets people believe that a four-letter combo dictates whether they ghost or propose. Sorry, Karen, Brad didn’t leave you because he’s an ESTP. He left because you introduced him to your parents after two dates.
The Zodiac Industrial Complex
Nothing screams “relationship stability” like outsourcing your compatibility to Mercury’s retrograde schedule.
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Helpful: It creates an easy icebreaker on Hinge: “I’m a Cancer, so I’ll cry if you ghost me.”
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Hurtful: It lets people excuse cheating with, “Look, I’m a Gemini. Two personalities, two girlfriends. It’s literally in the stars.”
The Enneagram Spiral
Nine numbers, endless excuses. If you’ve never been forced to listen to your date explain why being a Type 4 makes them “uniquely difficult but worth it,” consider yourself blessed.
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Helpful: Self-reflection is cool, I guess.
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Hurtful: Weaponizing your number to justify toxic behavior is not. “Sorry I yelled at you in Trader Joe’s. Classic Type 8 move.”
The “Attachment Style” Buzzkill
Ah yes, psychology’s gift to the dating app era. Are you secure, anxious, avoidant, or the terrifying mix of both?
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Helpful: Identifying your emotional baggage before TSA has to.
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Hurtful: Some people cling to their labels like emotional emotional support animals: “I can’t commit, babe. I’m avoidant. Google it.”
The Bottom Line
Love profiles can be fun, illuminating, and even useful—if you use them as tools. But if you’re wielding them as excuses, congratulations: you’ve turned a helpful map into a blunt weapon.
At the end of the day, no test, chart, or star sign is going to save your relationship. The only real love language is showing up, not being an asshole, and maybe—just maybe—putting your damn phone down during dinner.